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Tom Attea's Articles

  • Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
    We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.

    It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last...
  • Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary
    Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo.

    While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.

    We looked into the matter and discovered that the word “illegal” is not in the S...
  • Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy
    Iraqi insurgent groups, in secret talks with resourcefully pacifying President Jalal Talabani, admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days.

    Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. Apparently, the insurgents, most of whom are Sunni Muslims, have slowly begun to realize that American and coalition troops, who t...
  • Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity Of Seniors In Marathons
    Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.

    As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.

    Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were no...
  • Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video
    Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.

    Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera ...
  • Gossip: What People Say About It
    We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

    What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

    We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

    Before we turn to the ...
  • U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel
    While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.

    A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.

    The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it ...
  • Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service
    While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions.

    At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not outright self-destructive, but also because one does not expect it from people who have decided to present themselves as suc...
  • France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object
    France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.

    As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.

    President Bush said, “I just d...
  • Gas Prices Go "Gas-Tronomical!"
    Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!”

    President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!”

    Proud words, perhap...

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