Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles in Parenting

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Are You Addicted to Your Children Is it possible to be using our children addictively? Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If your children are your whole life – if you don’t have a strong spiritual connection with a personal source of love and guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill an empty place within you. Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment. Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!”), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, “I want ….! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!” They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as “It’s not fair!” or “You don’t love me!” or “What about what I want?”, or by getting angry, shutting down or cry Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You Do you want your children to be like you? As a parent, it is very important to take a look at what you are role modeling for your children – not only regarding how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. If there are certain values that you want your children to have when they grow up, they are far more likely to have your values if they deeply respect you. Empty Nest Syndrome Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children were in school, was fulfilling to her. She was fortunate in having been able to schedule her time to be home when her children came home from school so she could take them to their various activities. Is It Okay to Spoil Your Kids We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything they want on the material level. Parents often think they are loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys or activities they desire, but what is the actual result of indulging our children in this way? Is Mothering Wearing You Out I always wanted to have children and I was completely thrilled when I had my first child. Nothing, however, prepares a mother for what it’s like to be responsible for a child 24/7. Kid Time And Couple Time If the real reason for not spending time together is truly about not enough time, then you need to consider how you can get help, such as hiring a neighborhood teenager, to do some chores or spend some time with young children. Love, Food, and Kids Forty years ago I became very interested in health and nutrition. I had been a sickly child and I had hated being sick. As a low-energy young adult, I had decided to do something about my health, so after reading some wonderful books on nutrition, I proceeded to completely change what I ate. I started to shop at the only little health food store in Los Angeles – Whole Foods was years away! I threw out all packaged food and ate only natural, fresh organic products – when I could get them. Parenting Adolescents When You Have Changed The Rules Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her Unfortunately, the only thing she knew to do was to be a permissive parent, which meant that instead of controlling her children, her children controlled her Parenting Starts Before Pregnancy Parenting does not start once the child is born. Good parenting starts even before getting pregnant. It starts by caring about what you eat, how much exercise and sleep you get, and by making sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings of anxiety and stress. Your baby will feel what you feel, so learning how to be in peace and joy before getting pregnant is part of good parenting. Parenting Yourself When You Have Small Children There’s no doubt about it - parenting small children takes a lot of time. So much time that it’s very easy to forget about your child within. Yet you cannot be a really good parent while forgetting about your own feelings, needs and well-being. Parenting: Emotional Incest Jacob, a participant in one of my telephone support groups, was exploring the fact that he generally didn't like to be touched He was sharing with the group a situation that used to happen with his mother Parents - What Kind of Role Model Are You Many parents today really try to be better parents than their parents were. They attempt to be there for their children - to listen to them, support them, spend time with them, as well as hold and nurture them. Their children grow up feeling loved and valued by these loving parents, yet often these same children struggle as adults in many areas of their lives. I have numerous clients who tell me that they had wonderful parents who truly loved and nurtured them, yet these clients are struggling with their work, their relationships, or their lives in general. Why is this? Parents - Who's Looking Out For You I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcy after my phone session with her. I was really worried about her. Parents, Kids And Time Alone Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or being entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to “play by themselves.” Parents: Letting Go Of Guilt How are your children doing If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting Protecting Your Child's Innocence We love our children and we want them to be safe – safe from people who could harm them and destroy their innocence. At the same time we don’t want to scare them and perhaps create timidity or nightmares. How can we protect them without harming them? Seeing The Souls of Your Children At times like this you might want to remember who your children really are. You might want to remember that your children are spiritual beings with eternal souls, who courageously came here to evolve their souls in love through the earthly experience. You might want to remember that they are wonderful, loving, creative beings who are learning how to operate on the planet in their little bodies. The Challenges of Single Parenting Single parents have a far greater challenge - they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world - that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world. The Courage to Be a Loving Parent It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others’ angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our children’s anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. Validating vs. Indulging Children's Feelings Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do the same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging the feelings intended to manipulate. What Does Your Child Really Need From You? Most parents want to be good parents Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules

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