Featured Authors This Month . Kristin Gabriel Colin Tipping Paul Hata Mike Row Michiel Van Kets
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles Holidays Motivation Spiritual Communicating Politics Parenting Nutrition Success Stress Management Organization Inspiration Happiness Grief Coaching Self Improvement Religion Relationships Marriage Dating Society Family and Home Health and Fitness Display Category|Title|Newest|Oldest 7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction. 7-Step Foolproof Guide To Creating A Terrible Relationship No one SAYS they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them So, here's my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship Accessing Your Spiritual Guidance For the last 35 years, I have been working with individuals, couples and families, as well as business relationships. I have 8 published books on relationships and healing, some of them best-sellers. In the first half of my career, I worked as a traditional psychotherapist, and was not happy with the results. In the last 18 years I have worked with a process called Inner Bonding, which is a powerful six step psychological and spiritual healing process. I discovered that there is no real healing without a personal connection with a source of spiritual guidance. Addiction to Blame Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn’t know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn’t get her approval. Addiction to Clutter Clutter is a big problem for many people. At a lecture that I gave, I asked for a show of hands regarding how many people had problems with clutter and disorganization. I was surprised to find that at least half the people raised their hands. Addiction to Complaining Complaining is a way of life for some people. It was certainly a way of life for my mother. I don’t remember a day going by without her complaining, endlessly. I don’t think I ever heard a word of gratitude out of my mother’s mouth. No matter how good things were, she would manage to find something wrong. No matter how perfect I was – and God knows I tried to be perfect! – she always found something wrong with me, as well as with my father. Addiction to Self-Judgment In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. Addiction to Spirituality Spiritual bypass occurs when people use their spiritual practice as a way to avoid dealing with and taking responsibility for their feelings. Anything that is used to avoid feeling and taking responsibility for feelings becomes an addiction – whether it is alcohol, drugs, food, TV, work, gambling, spending, shopping, anger, withdrawal…and meditation. If, when a difficult or painful feeling comes up, you immediately go into meditation in the hopes of blissing out and getting rid of the feeling, you may be addicted to spirituality. Addiction to Talking Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom. Addiction to Thinking Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about. Addiction to Worry Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking - Carole was a constant worrier. Many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. “What if I never get well?” “What if my husband gets sick?” “What if I run out of money?” Alone for the Holidays Being alone is a challenge for many people. This challenge may loom especially large during the holidays if you are single or newly divorced and without family around you. Holidays are a time to share love, and many people end up feeling depressed when they do not have people around with whom to share love. If you are in this situation, what can you do to make the holidays joyous rather than depressing? Anger: To Control or To Learn Many of us will do anything to avoid another’s anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another’s anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others. Anniversary Blues Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt's busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface. Are You Addicted to Anger Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there. Are You Addicted To Your Activities Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference? Are You Addicted to Your Children Is it possible to be using our children addictively? Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If your children are your whole life – if you don’t have a strong spiritual connection with a personal source of love and guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill an empty place within you. Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works. Are You Invisible Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others. Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment. Beauty, Gratitude and the Open Heart “…beauty on your earth is a shadow of the beauty of our heaven, and it’s a bitter thing to have a blindness for beauty on earth, for it makes a longer teaching to see the beauties of heaven.” Spoken by an Irish spirit in the book The Boy who Saw True (anonymous author). BEING AN EMOTIONAL VICTIM None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims. Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are victims much of the time without realizing it. Can This Relationship Be Helped Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: “As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!”), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, “I want ….! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!” They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as “It’s not fair!” or “You don’t love me!” or “What about what I want?”, or by getting angry, shutting down or cry Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Commitment Phobia: Are You Commitment Phobic In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom. Compassion - A Powerful Doorway to Personal Growth What if there was one choice you could make that would change everything in your life for the better? Actually, there is. It’s the choice to move out of judgment and into compassion for yourself and others. Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins "I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session "Everything has to be her way Control, Helplessness, and Love During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others' feelings and behavior. Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong. Date Lying Date lying of many kinds is common for both men and women. Generally, neither men nor women want to “hurt” another person with the truth of how they feel. Both men and woman can turn on the charm at the beginning and seem to be giving and caring, only to turn out to be using the other for their own neediness. Discerning The Loving Heart How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone – a friend or a potential partner – who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time? Discovering Your Passion and Purpose Discovering our passion and purpose is vital to our joy and well-being. The problem is that many people have lost touch with any sense of their passion and purpose and have no idea how to access this information. Do You Experience God The longer I’ve worked as a counselor, the easier it has become for me to tell the difference between people who know and experience God and people who don’t. It is the difference between Connor and Brianna. It is the difference between being full from the inside or inwardly empty. Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You Do you want your children to be like you? As a parent, it is very important to take a look at what you are role modeling for your children – not only regarding how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. If there are certain values that you want your children to have when they grow up, they are far more likely to have your values if they deeply respect you. Does Your Life Lack Meaning You will find deep meaning in your life when you decide to open to and learn from your feelings of loneliness rather than continue to shut them down. And you will open to these feelings only when you do not feel alone inside due to experiencing the love and wisdom of your spiritual Guidance. Opening to Divine Love and opening to your feelings will bring you the fullness, joy, passion and purpose that are the yearnings of your soul. Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? Empty Nest Syndrome Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children were in school, was fulfilling to her. She was fortunate in having been able to schedule her time to be home when her children came home from school so she could take them to their various activities. Ending Relationships Gracefully In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge. Expressing Your Love Through Service Each of us needs to find the service that excites us, enlivens us and fills our heart with joy as we express God’s love through our actions. Giving for the pure joy of giving feeds the soul. We love God by loving the children of God and serving them in any way we can. It is through service that we can truly grow spiritually. Through service, we are confronted with our issues and given the opportunity to practice our lovingness and expand beyond what we think our limits are. Family Ties - When to Let Go Ruth consulted with me because she was confused about what to do regarding her mother, her brother, and her son. From the time Ruth was born, she never felt like she belonged in her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, obviously preferring her brother, and consistently allowed her brother to beat Ruth up. Ruth had some connection with her father, but he was a weak man and never stood up for her or protected her. Fear of Engulfment Roger, 33, is a successful engineer. Married with one child, Roger called me because his marriage was falling apart. His wife, Laura, had recently told him that the marriage was over unless they got some help. She told him she just couldn’t take it any more. Fear of Intimacy Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness. Fight, Flight, or Loving Action Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano…. Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self. Food, Anxiety and Depression In our current society, there are many factors that can cause or contribute to anxiety and depression. Certainly money and work problems, relationship and family issues, as well as illness and loss of loved ones are major contributors to anxiety and depression. Also, how we feel about ourselves and treat ourselves contribute greatly to how we feel. Even in the worst of times, if we are treating ourselves with compassion instead of self-judgment, we may be able to manage big challenges without anxiety or depression. Forgiveness: Acceptance And Letting Go Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger and blame What I have noticed is that those who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people's choices Getting Unstuck from Procrastination Sherry was behind on many important things in her life. She had unpaid traffic tickets, the insurance on her car had lapsed, she had a stack of unpaid bills, and her apartment was a mess. Sherry was not happy with this situation, yet seemed unable to do anything about it. Even when she set aside the time to get these things done, something always got in the way. Happiness Versus Pleasure We are a pleasure seeking society. Most of us spend our energy seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. We hope that by doing this, we will feel happy. Yet deep, abiding happiness and joy elude so many people. Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society In my experience, it is not possible for us as human beings to be violent when we are connected to our true, core Self and to a source of spiritual guidance. When we do the work we need to do to develop a spiritually connected loving adult self, we have an inner adult who places limits on our behavior regarding harming ourselves and others. Healing Food Addiction The problem is that most people think that the empty alone feeling is caused by something outside themselves - such as not having a partner, feeling rejected by someone, being unhappy at a job or not having enough money. [1] [2] [3]	Publish for Free Sign Up For Free Learn More Please Support Our Sponsors Authors and Writers Submit Articles Submission Guidelines Link to Us Member Login U Publish Store Publishers Article RSS Feeds Link to Us Contact Us More Link to Us Privacy Policy Terms of Service Submission Guidelines Top Authors Popular Articles Article Aids We Recommend SubmitYourArticle iSnare Article Marketer Published.com Article Directories Word Count Utility Search U Publish by: Title Author Keyword

© 2005-2008 uPublish.info All Rights Reserved.
Use of our service is protected by our Privacy Policy and Terms of Service
U Publish - Source for Free Articles - Free Reprint Articles - Free Article Publishing

Powered by Article Dashboard