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Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles Display Category|Title|Newest|Oldest Telling the Truth…or Not Deciding whether or not we choose to speak our truth needs to come from our own honesty with ourselves about why we are speaking the truth. Truth can enhance or destroy a relationship, depending upon the intent. Subtle Addictions Many people are aware of the fact that addictions are used to avoid pain, and most of us are aware of the common addictions: food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, TV, spending, work, sex, rage and so on. Most people, however, are not aware of the more subtle addictions, the addictions that are often so covert and pervasive that they are as invisible to us as the air we breathe. Yet these addictions may be impacting us negatively as much as the more overt addictions. Loving Your Spouse When Your Spouse is Not Loving You Marlo and Jack have been married for twelve years and have two young children. Marlo and Jack each state that they love each other, yet Marlo does not feel loved by Jack, while Jack states that he is content with the relationship. Should I End This Relationship Leaving a relationship before knowing what the real problem is, is generally a waste of time (aside from domestic violence) - especially if you eventually want to be in another relationship. Sex and New Relationships I’ve discovered that the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Addiction to Spirituality Spiritual bypass occurs when people use their spiritual practice as a way to avoid dealing with and taking responsibility for their feelings. Anything that is used to avoid feeling and taking responsibility for feelings becomes an addiction – whether it is alcohol, drugs, food, TV, work, gambling, spending, shopping, anger, withdrawal…and meditation. If, when a difficult or painful feeling comes up, you immediately go into meditation in the hopes of blissing out and getting rid of the feeling, you may be addicted to spirituality. Selfishness versus Self-Responsibility One of the last things any of us want to be called is “selfish.” We often end up doing things we don’t want to do to avoid being seen as selfish. In my counseling work with people, I often hear the questions, “Aren’t I being selfish if I take care of myself instead of take care of everyone else? Am I being selfish if I do what I want instead of what someone else wants me to do?” Addiction to Complaining Complaining is a way of life for some people. It was certainly a way of life for my mother. I don’t remember a day going by without her complaining, endlessly. I don’t think I ever heard a word of gratitude out of my mother’s mouth. No matter how good things were, she would manage to find something wrong. No matter how perfect I was – and God knows I tried to be perfect! – she always found something wrong with me, as well as with my father. Seeing The Souls of Your Children At times like this you might want to remember who your children really are. You might want to remember that your children are spiritual beings with eternal souls, who courageously came here to evolve their souls in love through the earthly experience. You might want to remember that they are wonderful, loving, creative beings who are learning how to operate on the planet in their little bodies. Is This Love or Emotional Dependency Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self – the ego self – you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. Safe Relationship Spaces In the depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others. That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants, for example, thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don't have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don't have these things. Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend. Is This the Right Person for Me People who feel insecure and alone are likely to look for someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give them the love they are seeking. They want to find someone who will complete them and make them feel adequate and worthy. The problem is that no one can do this for another person - it is something we each need to learn to do for ourselves. Since we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a person looking to get love will attract a person also looking to get love. The Privilege of Resolving Relationship Conflict In a phone session I had with Shelly and Stan, a couple who have been together for six years, they described to me a conflict they had the day before. Stan had become irritated with Shelly and Shelly had responded to his irritation by withdrawing. This was a typical dynamic between them, and the distance would often continue for days until they finally talked about it or until the charged energy just dissipated. Neither was happy with the distance, yet generally both waited for the other to reach out. Why Do People Lie Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset. Resistance to Celebrating Some people really love celebrations – birthdays, anniversaries, holidays – while other people seem to dislike them. Derek will tell you that he could go through life very nicely without celebrations. To Derek, celebrations are a bother, a nuisance. They are meaningless and commercialized, created by big business to make money. Derek does not want to fall into the trap of being like everyone else. Protecting Your Child's Innocence We love our children and we want them to be safe – safe from people who could harm them and destroy their innocence. At the same time we don’t want to scare them and perhaps create timidity or nightmares. How can we protect them without harming them? Power and Politics Many of the leaders in our society are guided by unhealthy intentions. Instead of seeking to serve the people and heal our nation’s ills, their actions and decisions are primarily motivated by their desire for power. Many of the people running our country are run by their addictions to approval, sex, power and control. The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail. Parents - What Kind of Role Model Are You Many parents today really try to be better parents than their parents were. They attempt to be there for their children - to listen to them, support them, spend time with them, as well as hold and nurture them. Their children grow up feeling loved and valued by these loving parents, yet often these same children struggle as adults in many areas of their lives. I have numerous clients who tell me that they had wonderful parents who truly loved and nurtured them, yet these clients are struggling with their work, their relationships, or their lives in general. Why is this? Parents - Who's Looking Out For You I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcy after my phone session with her. I was really worried about her. Parenting Yourself When You Have Small Children There’s no doubt about it - parenting small children takes a lot of time. So much time that it’s very easy to forget about your child within. Yet you cannot be a really good parent while forgetting about your own feelings, needs and well-being. Addiction to Self-Judgment In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. Parenting Starts Before Pregnancy Parenting does not start once the child is born. Good parenting starts even before getting pregnant. It starts by caring about what you eat, how much exercise and sleep you get, and by making sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings of anxiety and stress. Your baby will feel what you feel, so learning how to be in peace and joy before getting pregnant is part of good parenting. Is Mothering Wearing You Out I always wanted to have children and I was completely thrilled when I had my first child. Nothing, however, prepares a mother for what it’s like to be responsible for a child 24/7. More Important Than Love Angie and her husband, Richard, were caught in a power struggle that was having a very negative affect on their sex life. Most of the time, as soon as they started to have intercourse, Richard would ejaculate, leaving Angie angry and frustrated. The more upset Angie got, the more trouble Richard was having sexually. They started counseling with me due to this issue. Addiction to Talking Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom. Love, Food, and Kids Forty years ago I became very interested in health and nutrition. I had been a sickly child and I had hated being sick. As a low-energy young adult, I had decided to do something about my health, so after reading some wonderful books on nutrition, I proceeded to completely change what I ate. I started to shop at the only little health food store in Los Angeles – Whole Foods was years away! I threw out all packaged food and ate only natural, fresh organic products – when I could get them. The Legacy of Sexual Abuse During the many years I've been counseling people, I’ve worked with many people who were sexually abused as children. Some of them remember it all their lives, while others repressed it and remember it only as adults. In either case, the resulting harm exists on many levels. Learning From All Our Relationships All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears of domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections - anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance. The Poison of Resentment Resentment and blame are poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. Our ego/wounded self believes that if we blame and resent someone, we can somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of things. But what the resentment really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim. Keeping Love Alive When I was 24 years old I fell madly in love. I was madly in love for three weeks, and then spent the next 30 years struggling to regain and maintain that wonderful feeling. In the course of my long marriage and in the 35 years I’ve been counseling individuals and couples, I’ve learned what it takes to keep love alive and what diminishes the feelings and experience of love. Is It Okay to Spoil Your Kids We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything they want on the material level. Parents often think they are loving their children when they pile them up with all the toys or activities they desire, but what is the actual result of indulging our children in this way? Healing Racism, Hatred and Violence Those of us who have been on a path of healing the wounded aspects of ourselves know that one of the characteristics we often suffer from when we are in a wounded, fearful ego state is that we feel either superior or inferior to others. Because the wounded part of us is based on the core shame beliefs that we are inadequate, flawed, defective, unimportant, and so on, we may feel deeply one-down to others. In order to compensate for these difficult feelings and protect against feeling them, we may deny their existence and move into the opposite position: I am better than others. What Is A Boundary My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public,” or “I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on,” or “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.” Healing Food Addiction The problem is that most people think that the empty alone feeling is caused by something outside themselves - such as not having a partner, feeling rejected by someone, being unhappy at a job or not having enough money. Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society In my experience, it is not possible for us as human beings to be violent when we are connected to our true, core Self and to a source of spiritual guidance. When we do the work we need to do to develop a spiritually connected loving adult self, we have an inner adult who places limits on our behavior regarding harming ourselves and others. Who Are The Underminers How many of you had the experience growing up of being told in various ways to limit yourselves from being all you can be? The movie “The Incredibles” is a wonderful metaphor for this. In this movie, the superheroes – the people with extraordinary powers – are restricted from using their powers. Family Ties - When to Let Go Ruth consulted with me because she was confused about what to do regarding her mother, her brother, and her son. From the time Ruth was born, she never felt like she belonged in her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, obviously preferring her brother, and consistently allowed her brother to beat Ruth up. Ruth had some connection with her father, but he was a weak man and never stood up for her or protected her. Healing The Abandonment Wounds It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur: Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a sense of loss of self? How Can I Get My Partner To Change Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. Fight, Flight, or Loving Action Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano…. Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self. What Causes Holiday Stress The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration when friends and families get together to share food, fun, gifts, and love. They are supposed to be a time of giving, caring and connection when we celebrate important and meaningful events. Empty Nest Syndrome Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children were in school, was fulfilling to her. She was fortunate in having been able to schedule her time to be home when her children came home from school so she could take them to their various activities. Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? Do You Experience God The longer I’ve worked as a counselor, the easier it has become for me to tell the difference between people who know and experience God and people who don’t. It is the difference between Connor and Brianna. It is the difference between being full from the inside or inwardly empty. Addiction to Clutter Clutter is a big problem for many people. At a lecture that I gave, I asked for a show of hands regarding how many people had problems with clutter and disorganization. I was surprised to find that at least half the people raised their hands. Discovering Your Passion and Purpose Discovering our passion and purpose is vital to our joy and well-being. The problem is that many people have lost touch with any sense of their passion and purpose and have no idea how to access this information. Discerning The Loving Heart How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone – a friend or a potential partner – who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time? The Courage to Be a Loving Parent It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others’ angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our children’s anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. [1] [2] [3]	Publish for Free Sign Up For Free Learn More Your Ad Here Authors and Writers Submit Articles Submission Guidelines Link to Us Member Login U Publish Store Publishers Article RSS Feeds Link to Us Contact Us More Link to Us Privacy Policy Terms of Service Submission Guidelines Popular Articles Article Aids We Recommend SubmitYourArticle iSnare Article Marketer Published.com Article Directories Word Count Utility Search U Publish by: Title Author Keyword

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