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Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles Display Category|Title|Newest|Oldest 7-Step Foolproof Guide To Creating A Terrible Relationship No one SAYS they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them So, here's my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship What Does Your Child Really Need From You? Most parents want to be good parents Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules Forgiveness: Acceptance And Letting Go Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger and blame What I have noticed is that those who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people's choices When Not To Start A Relationship Have you recently ended a relationship or are you recently divorced Are you thinking about dating again Intimacy With Yourself Over the 40 years that I have been counseling individual and couples, I have very often worked with people who are considering leaving their marriage Often they say things like: * I no longer feel close or intimate with my spouse Parenting Adolescents When You Have Changed The Rules Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her Unfortunately, the only thing she knew to do was to be a permissive parent, which meant that instead of controlling her children, her children controlled her Parenting: Emotional Incest Jacob, a participant in one of my telephone support groups, was exploring the fact that he generally didn't like to be touched He was sharing with the group a situation that used to happen with his mother Parents: Letting Go Of Guilt How are your children doing If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting If I Am Myself, I Will End Up Alone Peggy had been married to James for 14 years when she first consulted with me for help with her relationship and her anxiety "I can't stand being in this marriage anymore Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins "I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session "Everything has to be her way Relationships: Mysteries Of Attraction We are attracted to each other at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health What does this mean Leaving An Abusive Relationship Jennifer consulted with me regarding her 18-year marriage "I just don't know what to do Commitment Phobia: Are You Commitment Phobic In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom. Parents, Kids And Time Alone Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or being entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to “play by themselves.” Kid Time And Couple Time If the real reason for not spending time together is truly about not enough time, then you need to consider how you can get help, such as hiring a neighborhood teenager, to do some chores or spend some time with young children. Self-Judgment Versus Self-Compassion Moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion takes much practice. Most of us have been practicing self-judgment for so long that it has become our automatic way of being. It takes much consciousness to move into self-compassion, but with practice you can move out of your automatic judgmental thought and into a conscious compassionate thought. How Do You Know When You Are In Love “How can I know when I’m really in love?” asked Ruby, a client of mine. “How can I know if what I feel for Jim is really love or just infatuation? How can I know if this feeling will last?” Sustaining Romance After Becoming Parents Moving out of the intent to get love and avoid pain and into the intent to give and share love is a personal process of inner growth. It takes both people desiring to learn how to fill themselves with love so that they have love to share to create and sustain a fulfilling romantic relationship. As parents with limited time to spend with each other, doing this inner work is essential for the relationship with thrive. Managing Loneliness I have discovered that there are two core feelings that most people will do almost anything to avoid feeling: loneliness and helplessness. Power Struggles - Being Right or Being Loving The intent to learn is about being in compassion for both yourself and your partner. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both of you to win. Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You Do you want your children to be like you? As a parent, it is very important to take a look at what you are role modeling for your children – not only regarding how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. If there are certain values that you want your children to have when they grow up, they are far more likely to have your values if they deeply respect you. To End or Not to End Your Relationship If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the relationship will not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are deeply devoted to learning about loving themselves and each other. Does Your Life Lack Meaning You will find deep meaning in your life when you decide to open to and learn from your feelings of loneliness rather than continue to shut them down. And you will open to these feelings only when you do not feel alone inside due to experiencing the love and wisdom of your spiritual Guidance. Opening to Divine Love and opening to your feelings will bring you the fullness, joy, passion and purpose that are the yearnings of your soul. The Fear of Expressing Anger Once you understand that you can express your anger with an intention to learn, your fear of your own anger will go away. You don’t have to repress your anger in order to not be like your parents. You can express it harmlessly in The Anger Process and learn about what your anger is trying to tell you. Expressing Your Love Through Service Each of us needs to find the service that excites us, enlivens us and fills our heart with joy as we express God’s love through our actions. Giving for the pure joy of giving feeds the soul. We love God by loving the children of God and serving them in any way we can. It is through service that we can truly grow spiritually. Through service, we are confronted with our issues and given the opportunity to practice our lovingness and expand beyond what we think our limits are. Healthy Grief, Unhealthy Grief What is the difference between those who feel their grief and move on and those who get stuck in it? The difference lies in what they believe they have lost. When people believe they have lost their source of love, their grief will feel unending. Date Lying Date lying of many kinds is common for both men and women. Generally, neither men nor women want to “hurt” another person with the truth of how they feel. Both men and woman can turn on the charm at the beginning and seem to be giving and caring, only to turn out to be using the other for their own neediness. Relationship Deal-breakers Most conflicts – conflicts that are really about communication and control issues – can be resolved when both people are willing to learn. But some conflicts are true deal-breakers. The Challenge of Families Sometimes the most loving act, both for oneself and for others, is to disengage from an abusive relationship. It is not loving to ourselves to allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully, and it is not loving to others to allow them to treat us disrespectfully. Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Fear of Engulfment Roger, 33, is a successful engineer. Married with one child, Roger called me because his marriage was falling apart. His wife, Laura, had recently told him that the marriage was over unless they got some help. She told him she just couldn’t take it any more. What Program is on Your Inner TV Our mind tends to go on and on making up stuff, as if what it is thinking is always the truth. However, the mind has been deeply programmed since childhood to think and believe in ways that often have nothing to do with truth. What You Judge Won't Budge Most of us are taught, from the time we are very little, that we CAUSE other people to feel and behave the way they do. We are taught by our parents, teachers and other caregivers that we cause others to feel angry, scared, hurt, rejected, or loving and accepting. What Fills Inner Emptiness When we are not filling ourselves by attending to our own feelings, needs and well-being, we will feel empty and alone inside. When we are not asking a higher source of guidance throughout the day what is loving to ourselves - what is in our highest good - and taking loving action in our own behalf, we will be empty within no matter how much we do for others and no matter how much others do for us. We are the only ones, in connection with a spiritual source of love, who can fill up the inner emptiness. What Really Creates Emotional Intimacy We all yearn for that deep connection with someone, yet few people seem to be able to maintain emotional intimacy for very long. We often have it at the very beginning of relationships, before the conflicts start. How can we maintain that wonderful intimacy in a long-term relationship? What Are You Resisting If you are stuck somewhere in your life, the chances are you are stuck because you are resisting something. Many people grew up with one or two controlling parents or caregivers, and therefore learned numerous ways of overtly or covertly resisting being controlled. Who or what are you resisting? Welcoming our Wounded Selves We need to learn to welcome, embrace, love and explore with the many wounded parts of ourselves. These parts exist due to the false beliefs that we have from our childhood experiences. These parts heal with love and truth, not with being disowned. Validating vs. Indulging Children's Feelings Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do the same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging the feelings intended to manipulate. Relationships: Taking Care of Yourself in the Moment How often have you had the experience of not knowing what to say in conflict? Later, after thinking about it, you think of all the things you wish you would have said. Then you go back to your partner to try to deal with the issue, only to discover that it’s too late - your partner doesn’t understand what you are talking about. Using Sex Addictively Robert consulted with me because his wife, Andrea, was no longer interested in having sex with him. “Andrea says she feels objectified when we make love, and I don’t know what that means,” he stated. “I love her and I don’t think I see her as an object.” Getting Unstuck from Procrastination Sherry was behind on many important things in her life. She had unpaid traffic tickets, the insurance on her car had lapsed, she had a stack of unpaid bills, and her apartment was a mess. Sherry was not happy with this situation, yet seemed unable to do anything about it. Even when she set aside the time to get these things done, something always got in the way. The Tyranny of the Good Girl, the Good Boy Many of us grew up in households where our profound needs for love and safety were not met. We did not feel safe and loved in the face of disapproval, criticism, rejection, abandonment, smothering, engulfment, physical abuse, sexual abuse. We did not feel safe when there was yelling, fighting, violence, substance abuse. Trusting the Universe - Or Not Faith and trust in a Higher Power are two different things. Faith is about believing in God/Higher Power even though there is no proof. Trust is about noticing all the times that our Guidance has come through for us in big and little ways, and living our lives according to this truth. Too Stuck to Pray Prayer is a powerful way to open the heart when you are stuck in anger, fear, self-judgment, resistance or depression. When you can sincerely pray for spiritual help in opening your heart and taking responsibility for your own feelings and needs, help is there. Spirit will find some way to support you when you really desire the help. Spiritual help may come through words that pop into your mind, through images, feelings, dreams, or through other people - but it will come. The Importance of Laughter and Tears Ron grew up in a household where laughter and tears were never expressed. Anger was the main feeling expressed by his mother, while his father was mostly withdrawn. By the time Ron was eight years old, he had managed to shut off both his laughter and his tears to avoid feeling rejected by his parents and controlled by his mother. Shutting down was his way of protecting against being invaded by his very controlling mother. He became a serious child - a controlled and controlling child. Food, Anxiety and Depression In our current society, there are many factors that can cause or contribute to anxiety and depression. Certainly money and work problems, relationship and family issues, as well as illness and loss of loved ones are major contributors to anxiety and depression. Also, how we feel about ourselves and treat ourselves contribute greatly to how we feel. Even in the worst of times, if we are treating ourselves with compassion instead of self-judgment, we may be able to manage big challenges without anxiety or depression. Relationships: Too Easy To Leave Katheryn and Mathew, both in their 50’s, have been together for two years. Both have been previously married and divorced. When they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted for a few months. Then the conflicts started. Time For Connection How many of you plan time for yourself - to connect with yourself and with your spiritual guidance? How many of you plan time to connect with your partner or others in your life? The Joy of Spirit We have all been taught that we will be happy when we: find our soulmate, make money, work at something we love. Or, we will be happy and fulfilled when we have a house, have a child, do service. Yet I have worked with people who have and do all of the above and are still not happy, and I know of people who have little or none of the above and are frequently joyful. The Fear of Feeling We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don't. We put it off for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving? 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